This cracked me up
Chris posted this on a board. It's hilarious!
Thanks for all the emails of 2006:
I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one about rat poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to that sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
My lack of money will change soon though when I receive the $15,000 that
Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so
a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,
and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because
I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to
a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
